The Mission
Ok guys so I just got back from meeting with the always fabulous Ivy Fernandez at Holiday Gym and she has confirmed that her gym will indeed be my personal anabolic church for the next 5 weeks. Disclaimer: There will be no prayers or gospel singing getting in the way of this challenge. I’m excited to do this because I feel like once upon a time I used to be quite the disciplined little creature and over the years that has been slowly eroded away by increasingly vast quantities of vodka, pizza and 32DD boobs.
I used to train like a maniac when I was in my teens..honestly I probably put in a bit TOO much volume and intensity, as my dodgy wrist and weak lower back will now testify to. In fact the wrist injury that I picked up when I was around 18 was probably the start of my fall from grace, but hey I had COMMITMENT..I had HEART! Over the next month or so I want to rekindle some of that youthful exuberance. On a side, writing is really hard..wow! you really have to engage your brain in order to compose a flowing article..yet another skillset I seem to have forfeited in my time at colegio. I am not allowed to freeflow in my major see, with medicine you are trained..indoctrinated if you will, to comprehend the world in the most analytical of ways. Mind numbing scientific articles are our bread and butter, everything must be logical in the coalescence of symptoms to form diagnoses, and interactions with patients must be formal and ‘to the point’. There is clearly no room to manoeuvre. The medical gestapo will not allow it. Anywho I digress somewhat..back to the subject in hand.
If you are not aware by now (there’s in fact no reason why you should be, unless you’re some sort of shaman or savant, and even then mind-reading abilities are not a prerequisite) but I am in fact in the pili pili pilippines for circa 6 weeks completing a medical elective period..nice you might think..you’re wrong. Getting up in the mornings in the boiling, sweltering, dripping, icky sticky heat to go to work at the hospital is not my idea of fun..i dont like these morbid buildings at the best of times, but they are of course most difficult to tolerate with a sweaty perineum. Anywho its not all bad. I ? being out here in Davao. Its my home from home..admittedly a rather awkward homelife where people constantly stare at you and ask you why you’re here but a home nonetheless (some of you may have had upbringings mirroring this and if that is the case I sincerely apologise from the bottom of my heart.. you’re probably quite mentally unstable by now.. If by any chance you happen to look in the mirror and see boobs and a moderately/halfway decent face smiling/scowling back then feel free to call/text me on +639155135411..ahahahahahahahahahahaha..this isn’t a joke)
Again let’s get back on track. The goal for the next month is growth..GROWTH..GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWTH!!! Mental, intellectual and physical.. would you adam & eve it?? Mostly physical though. I am indeed encouraged for the first time EVER by the filipino diet. Such a heavy and unwavering reliance on MEAT is bound to help me to get big big big. In order to counter such a pillaging on the human body though I am launching a counter attack with tonnes of fruit. I’m gonna need the antioxidants if I don’t want to permanently destroy my alimentary canal during this period. First port of call: Mangosteen.. oh mumma!! If durian is the king of fruits then mangosteen is most definitely the queen mum, and as y’all know us brits do not have much use for kings, I would much rather build a nest out of queen elizabeth’s ten tiny toes before pandering to some nancy boy king.. f*ck that sh^t (to be abbreviated in future to FTS..mmm convenience). Unfortunately mangosteen has not kum into season yet so I’m struggling right now..fingers crossed for the next few days. the catholic contingent may say a prayer for me. Oh yeah and i’m just basically gonna try and eat every fruit i can get my hands on over the next month!! good shit!
So to rouuuuuund up lads and ladettes. where does RVL (me) wanta be in one months time?? I want to, in no specific order;
1) Develop muscles on my upper body (I am skinny as a rake right now..my legs are always good tho coz i was a dedicated footballer as a kiddywink)
2) Lose them man titties..theres a sweet arse running track that goes around the gym to aid me in this pursuit
3) Give up dairy…oooh oooh oooh i didn’t mention this one before..yeh well I did a bit of thinking (as is sometimes a consequence of having an overactive brain) and the lightbulb went off above my head..metaphorically speaking of course..I’m not in any way rich enough to possess a lightbulb nor the electric outlet into which it is inserted. So i came to a stark conclusion. A lot of the shit food that I eat is dairy-based!! let us look closer.. cookies mmmmm, muffins zzziiiiiiiiiiiiing, pizza boomshanka, fatty milk, chocolate, milkshakes, ice cream, cheese, cheesecake, cheesy penis etc etc etc I could go on all day. Yes YES I realized the common binding factor is that all these bastards are dairy based. Now in england it’s pretty difficult to get away from dairy as they somehow manage to squeeze it into everything but I figure theres not as much reliance on it here so why not try and go teetotal for the month. ‘hell yeh’ my internal monster shouted back and the dialogue was complete, the dust was settled, the rules of the game had once again changed. NO DAIRY. Btw it probs doesn’t help that I live in a bakery hehe ah well. (‘galletas de davao’ from the much decorated Wency Cornejo..free advertising there kid)
4) Achieve those washboard abdominales that I USED to have. I used to have a really cut tummy, I hate to blow my own trumpet on this one but if I don’t no-one will..sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands eh eh?? ‘I think actually that this one will be easiest to achieve because I’m not carrying round any weight there..just a loss of definition in actuality.
5) Get up close and personal with mangosteen, and try every fruit that is thrown my way. If you or anyone you know is involved in throwing fruit at me then just stop it. I’ve had enough. Fruit is to be eaten, NOT used as a weapon of conflict.
So that is all for now. I will have my first PROPER gym sesh tomorrow methinks so I’m looking forward to that. Before that I will take a few snaps of my comical physique and post them up so that we have a reliable starting point from which to work. I will probs update these pics weekly. I will also post my weight and size of arms prior to starting the challenge and do all my final stats at the end. Challenge finishes on 26/09/11. This is the proper format in which to write the date by the way. I get pissed off with your insistence on writing the month and day inverted. What’s wrong with you guys?? Days go into months and months go into years. This is what we call ‘logic’. Hey if you’re gonna follow american customs and traditions then you’re gonna find yourself up shit creek without a certain paddle. we did warn you.
much love,
Ryan xXx
